Why We Can't Go

"I'm never taking you back!" "You'll never do that to me again... " Words, words, empty words; because here we go again. We said they would never come around again, but here they are again, and here we go again. What is behind these painful scenes about hurting and leaving that cause us so much anguish while we are already turning around to do it again, even as the words are spoken?

Fear; sheer, unadulterated fear is the catalyst behind our return and our empty threats. So we caught the one we love lying or cheating, again, and said the same words, hurled the same threats. We meant every word we said; for a moment. Then came all those same old doubts; maybe there is something wrong with us, maybe that is why they cheat or lie to us. What if we leave and can't find someone else? What if we do find someone else and they treat us the same way? Maybe we are better off just staying with the one we have, where at least we know what to expect. And even if it is only sometimes, at least this one might love us.

We hate ourselves for staying, for taking them back again, and for saying those same old words... "Here I go again." Facing the friends that we told about our threats is equally painful, because they no long ask why. It is the look in their eyes that sears us to the core. Pity, and a little bit of sorrow for us is mirrored in their eyes. What causes this self-doubt and self-loathing that follows every time we have to say, "Here it comes again?"

It is incredibly painful to totally trust another person, to love them and believe their words, only to see the evidence of their lies that were spoken. It is the beginning of self-doubt; are we a bad judge of character? It is easier to acknowledge that they didn't really mean those hateful words that were flung at us than to imagine that they did. How could anyone who loves us say those kinds of demeaning, hurtful things?

Cheating and lying are abusive actions; abusers always make their actions the fault of the victim. "See what you made me do?" "If you were a better lover, a better partner... I would not have to cheat to be happy." We are beaten and battered by their words; shock soon gives way to self-doubt and finally to our acceptance that maybe it is us. We have been trained to accept their abuse without question and we begin apologizing for all the things we have failed at. Just after that, the self-loathing begins, because way down deep, we know it isn't true. We hate the sniveling, apologizing person who accepts this kind of treatment and apologizes for being inept or less than was expected.

It takes great courage to win the fight of your life with only your shoes; yet it the only way to win. It begins when you stop saying, "Here I am again; here we go again." It means you must accept that you have value as a human being, that your own personal greatness was instilled in you the moment you were given that first breath of life; that you are not lacking, or at fault. And, that you are no longer willing to accept the responsibility for another person's bad behavior.

You have to be willing to accept that they meant every hateful word they said, and that you are no longer willing to be their wailing wall. The only responsibility you still have to accept is that you made a mistake in trusting them. And that is your only mistake. Every time you turn around and say, "Here I am again," you are chipping away a piece of your soul and handing it to an abuser who cares little or nothing about the pain you experienced in tearing it away. You accept the role of willing victim, which in the end is way harder than putting on your shoes and saying, "I'm gone." Courage replaces fear; it is then that you win."