Why Is There An Elephant In The Room

 In elegant homes, upscale apartments, throughout Middle America and even the inner city slums, everyone talks about the elephant in the room. How is it possible that such a massive animal gains access to the most private space in our lives? Who is this beast; why is he more inviting than honest discussion in our lives? How do we quietly lead him out of our lives?

The elephant is used in this metaphor because of its massive size. Who could honestly ignore an elephant in any space, even the jungle? The elephant in the room is the unmentionable issue we refuse to recognize in our lives. It represents things that make us uncomfortable to acknowledge, discuss and to find a resolution for. And so he parks his massive backside squarely in the middle of our line of sight, and we pretend he isn't there and talk around the issues he represents.

Many things cause us to be this uncomfortable with something in our life. The child with a disability or drug problem, a cheating spouse, parents with dementia, grief a friend or family member is experiencing, financial embarrassment and even things like criminal activity, all are carried in the elephant's backpack. Those are just the big issues. His load is heavy with all the other things we simply refuse to look at or deal with. When we invite him in, his presence is preferable to reality. That's pretty heavy, literally. Why do we do it?

When we are forced to acknowledge and deal with something we were hoping would disappear, we are also forced to accept the consequences. This is the natural result of walking headlong into the truth of whatever was so uncomfortable that we pretended it did not exist. Embarrassment, pain and unbearable grief, loss of a relationship or even jail can be the reality we have been avoiding. The problem with this tactic is that it doesn't work. We are play acting; pretending that the issue will resolve itself or disappear so we will not be forced to deal with how it makes us feel or what it changes in our lives. The elephant's name is Fear and Shame; our fear, our shame.

We delay the inevitable when we play this game. The people in our lives who are not playing are all talking about the game, wondering why we find it fascinating and allow it to continue. They may smile at us when they attempt to bring it up but they walk away to avoid being consumed by our denial and the dishonesty that is required to entertain this animal in our lives. Bottom line, everyone knows; they see and they wait for us to wake up and simply deal with the issues. We are fooling no one when we sit silently looking around the issues and pretending they don't exist.

We gain respect; self-respect and respect from others in our lives, when we open the backpack and quietly and with clarity look at and discuss the issues we have been avoiding. We gain freedom from the fear of consequences when we make a decision about the outcome we intend to pursue and how we will navigate our way through it. No ground is lost when we make this choice. We have quietly unlocked the chains that bound the elephant to our lives; the freedom is exhilarating and allows us to ride on the back of this magnificent animal to the place we parked our personal freedom.