Forgiveness Demands Change

 How do you forgive when someone has wronged you? Do you bury the hatchet with the handle up waiting to snatch it out and use it if necessary? To truly forgive means the issue will never be spoken of again, ever. It is difficult to do and requires a real effort from the one who was wronged.It can only be accomplished successfully when it is accompanied by the demand for a change in behavior by the forgiven. To do less means the handle will always be exposed to use in the next offense; hence, there is no real forgiveness.

There is rarely a need for forgiveness without an emotional entanglement; the rest you can let go of fairly easily. Heartstrings wrap around a spouse or partner your children, siblings, parents and friends. Even a strong commitment to a job may engage you at the heart level, especially when you are climbing up the ladder where you imagine all your dreams can be fulfilled Heartstrings may as well be steel chains, so strongly do they bond... they bind you.

A wrong that elevates to a betrayal of any sort requires forgiveness in order to move forward. You are faced with the challenge of holding on and finding a way through the pain, a way to restore your faith, or letting go. If you have decided to forgive you have elected to find a way to deal with the pain and rebuild faith. This is why a change in behavior must be a part of your commitment to forgive. You cannot build faith and trust unless there is a serious promise from the offender that they will never again betray you. Many times this becomes more difficult because the person you are asked to forgive denies the truth or refuses to talk about it. When faced with this kind of response it is helpful to know that no change will be effected by your efforts. Without an honest exchange about how and why it happened there can be no real effort to ensure that it will never happen again. It is impossible to demand a change in behavior that cannot be acknowledged.

If you find yourself in the position of choosing to forgive another you are better served not to rush into your decision. It requires serious consideration and yes, even negotiation. Allowing it to be discussed in an offhand manner laced with humor relegates it to an event that is not serious. It is your choice whether it will lie around festering and returning each time there is a perceived similar offense until things finally unravel completely or if it can be dealt with honestly, with the seriousness it deserves. The latter will allow you to completely forgive, if you choose to.