What Lurks Beneath Misunderstood Emotions

 Almost nothing can be more frustrating than the inability to understand a spouse, relative, friend or coworker, especially when they are important in your life. Frustration frequently becomes anger and finally a distancing from someone you once believed was genuinely important. When relationships dissolve into these kinds of dynamics you are constantly seeking solutions. What's causing this confusion; how can you understand or alter the course of a relationship that feels impossible?

Every time you encounter a deep emotional response take a moment to look beneath the obvious.

When anything stirs another person profoundly some event in their life has left a deep memory imprint; there is often a pattern to this. A vast variety of events can affect us deeply. Focus in on whether particular holidays or seasons evoke extraordinary emotions. If so, some event has caused an inability to trust that they will feel safe or loved during these times. A profound loss may have occurred leaving the inability to experience the season or holiday without a painful memory surfacing.

When a particular statement or presentation of something evokes anger or rage look for the fear behind what is being presented. Fear is the mask anger wears. The greater the rage displayed the deeper the fear that lies beneath the issue. Rather than walking away or becoming absorbed in the moment, try calmly asking questions about what they believe is making them angry. Establishing what the real fear is will allow you to help them rationally confront their fear and may pave a much smoother way forward.

When you encounter an unacceptable response about something that is really important to you it's time to ask questions, sincere questions without emotion. Why are they so fixed in their opinion? Why is the issue so important to them that they are unable to step away and look objectively? When you learn why something is so important to another person you are able to adopt a more neutral position or alter your own. Understanding why someone feels so deeply can help bridge a gap and allow a peaceful solution to emerge.

Finally, there are times in our lives when we discover we are wearing rose-colored glasses with a large crack in them. You may have to accept that you are expecting more than another person is willing or able to give. You may even learn that your relationship is not nearly as important to them as it is to you. When this happens you may be forced to accept that this person can or will not ever support you, even when it's important to you. If you arrive at this point it is time to stop questioning the other person and begin questioning yourself.

No person or relationship is worth the price of becoming a human doormat or whipping post. It becomes essential to set boundaries that will allow you to grow and follow your own life path. If you are encountering these emotions with a relative or important coworker look for a safe place in the relationship that will allow you to maintain the essentials while leaving you the opportunity to escape scathing criticism or any other emotion that may deplete your energy or desire to be more, to dream your own dream. If this is coming from a friend, partner or spouse it may be time to assess whether the relationship can ever be what you hoped it would. If the answer is no it may be time to disconnect and move forward on a different path with other people.

Before you make a final decision, it is worth making the effort of listening, asking questions and looking for middle ground that may be a bridge you can both cross to meet at a point both can accept. After all, you were always seeking a solution; doing so may lead to a lasting one.