Sex or Intimacy - Which Matters Most

 Having a sexual encounter with another person is not being intimate with them, although for a short time it does make you familiar at some level. Intimacy is a relationship that is established through tenderness, affection, caring, understanding and sharing of confidences and dreams. Is sex an important part of intimacy? Which is the most important in our relationships, sex or intimacy?

Many people enjoy casual sexual encounters with no strings attached. People who are commitment shy prefer these kinds of arrangements. To be truly intimate with another person requires you to trust them with your deepest secrets, the fears you harbor and even to share your hopes and dreams; it requires trust at the deepest level. Sex can and usually is an important part of building an intimate relationship, but it is possible to be intimate with another person without sharing a physical union. But, which is the most important in our lives?

No one will be surprised to learn that the percentages to this answer are gender specific. Overwhelmingly, men choose sex while women choose intimacy. Why do we keep running into this men from Mars women from Venus ideology? Because there is a genuine difference in the 'wiring' of the two sexes, and yes, it is intentional!

Women tend to lean far more towards being the nurturer and caregiver in relationships. They are touchy feely creatures who need to feel loved to really enjoy a sexual union. Women naturally gravitate to sharing tenderness, affection, caring, understanding and sharing of their secrets, confidences and dreams. Finding a man who enjoys doing these things with them is a match made in heaven! They rarely enjoy sharing their body casually, although many do it.

Men are physical creatures; the more physical the merrier for them, and this holds true far beyond a sexual union. They are built for strenuous activity with a muscular frame that supports their pursuits. They typically consider themselves to be the breadwinner who brings home the bacon that feeds their family. Most are happy that women are willing to nurture and provide care and consider it the second best thing about the woman in their life. First is her interest in him and his physical desires. To men, this means she cares! As old school as this may sound, most men still harbor these emotions because they are born with that instinct. The intimacy their woman considers important is a learned response that may take some time and effort they are willing to give because it creates a relationship they can grow comfortable in. Men tend not to trust as quickly as women so intimacy is something they take time to build; the big secret is that they also enjoy it once they have developed it in their relationships.

The big divide comes when men begin to feel they are only important as an ATM machine at home while woman feel they have somehow traded their dreams to become a servant to their husband and family. Neither feels appreciated; both become angry and resentful. These emotions destroy intimacy in a relationship. The bridge that connects them is communication and respect for each other, including all those things they shared while building an intimate relationship! This is true in every relationship we have, including our friendships.