Service of Doubt

 Using doubt and second guessing to your advantage is a nice twist on the idea of being wishy washy or to becoming a reed blowing helplessly in the breeze!

Imagine all those times when first you found it difficult to make a choice and then, having been forced to do so, almost immediately changed your mind or began weighing the pros and cons. Back and forth your emotions go, never permitting you to feel good about the choice. Finally, you arrive at a place of acceptance called, 'There's nothing I can do about it, I have already committed.'

What causes this? Frequently we make decisions that are not really based on what we believe is the best choice. This happens when one of a few situations enter the arena of choice. Many times we find ourselves in a place where it appears the choices are offered like a multiple choice question. A, B, C or D is presented and we are asked to choose. You may feel that both A and B are the right choice and they should be combined. And yet, that's not an option. You may be in an uncomfortable position of not wanting to interfere with another person's ability to have what they have expressed that they really want; this is common with a partner. Yet, you don't feel like it is the right best choice and don't see an acceptable way to escape answering the question. While you may see a solution that is perfectly workable to you, you know they won't see it as an acceptable alternative.

I have noticed that some people almost never find themselves in this kind of situation. When asked, they simply state their feelings and let it go. There was a time when I believed these people to be self centered and uncaring about the effects of their actions or words. Then, I discovered Boundaries 101. I realized that the people who agonize over their choices never felt comfortable with setting boundaries about things that involve their own life path. This was amazing to me! There really was a reason for this malady. Honestly review the list about boundaries and see if you find yourself on the wrong side of the boundary tracks.

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

• Telling all
• Trusting no one; trusting anyone; black and white thinking
• Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries
• Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting
• Being overwhelmed by a person, preoccupied
• Acting on the first sexual impulse
• Being sexual for your partner, not yourself
• Going against personal values or rights to please another person
• Falling in love with anyone who reaches out
• Falling in love with a new acquaintance
• Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want
• Touching a person without asking
• Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting
• Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving
• Letting others define you
• Letting others direct you
• Letting others describe your reality
• Believing others can anticipate your needs
• Expecting others to fill your needs automatically
• Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you
• Falling apart so someone will take care of you
• Sexual and physical abuse
• Food abuse

Signs of Healthy Boundaries

• Appropriate trust
• Moving step by step into intimacy
• Staying focused on your own growth and recovery
• Maintaining personal values despite what others want
• Noticing when someone invades your boundaries
• Saying "No" to food, gifts, touch, sex you don't want
• Revealing a little of yourself each time, then checking to see how the other person responds to your sharing
• Putting a new acquaintanceship on hold until you check for compatibility
• Deciding whether a potential relationship will be good for you
• Weighing the consequence before acting on sexual impulse
• Noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries
• Being sexual when you want to be sexual; concentrating largely on your own pleasure rather than monitoring reactions of your partner
• Asking a person before touching them
• Trusting your own decisions
• Defining your truth, as you see it
• Knowing who you are and what you want
• Becoming your own loving parent
• Talking to yourself with gentleness, humor, love and respect
• Respect for others, not taking advantage of someone's generosity
• Self-respect; not giving too much in hopes someone will like you
• Not allowing someone to take advantage of your generosity
• Recognizing that friends and partners are not mind readers
• Clearly communicating your wants and needs (and recognizing that you may be turned down, but you can ask)

These simple rules are as old as the first therapy session for dysfunctional families. We fall into the pattern of setting unhealthy boundaries early in our lives. When the household is out of sync for whatever reason, responsibilities fall to children who are not equipped to handle them. Children that will not accept the new load of responsibility will frequently push theirs to the child in the family who is a willing soldier in the fight to survive some event that has caused trauma in the home. Most children will allow this to become their new normal. Their perception of reality has been altered. Many have been asked to look through an adult lens in a child's world.

If this is short term and the child is given clear direction about the changes, it will not have the same impact. But for most families, when addiction, disability, divorce, death or some other major change has occurred, the results are lasting. The entire household begins to subtly adjust and every day a new event arises that must be dealt with in a new manner. And the pattern begins.

Sometimes doubt is of great service to us; it forces us to see whether we have the appropriate boundaries in place to make good choices for ourselves. You have to begin making them for yourself; then you can assist others if they ask for your input. Otherwise, afford them the respect of making their own choices. Boundaries are the fences to protect your self-respect and successful living.