You Can Love Someone and Hate What They Do

 Why do we feel so guilty when we examine close relationships that cause so much pain and chaos in our lives? What underpins that unbridled and unearned loyalty that encourages us to continue looking the other way, knowing that another painful event is approaching even as we do it? When the person we are 'covering for' dies we become even more committed to preserving a memory that was always a fraud. Why do we do it?

If you are in a relationship with a person who has an addiction or an emotional illness that forces you to respond to complications you did not create, you are in the midst of the over discussed dysfunctional relationship. Just as we all teach people how to treat us, every person in the throes of an addiction or controlling emotional illness teaches us how we must behave. Many times we believe the consequences are too problematic to intervene with what we know are the best responses. We feel guilty because they have the affliction, even though we bear the burden of it.

Remaining intact personally while enduring the effects of another person's debilitating personal issue is the goal. The goal could be easily attained if we were not emotionally involved; we would simply walk away and let them deal with it. When our heart gets involved, things get more complicated. Tough love may not feel like a good fit to you; we all know your own situation better than anyone else. We are reeled in when we believe that we are a survivor and can take the pain. That is never a position that anyone applies for. We just assume it.

We are also the commander of our own decisions and ultimately that may lead to us assuming the role of victim as we attempt to save someone else. We do it because we care; and because we feel guilty if we don't try. After all, they have the problem; we're simply holding on and searching for a solution. This is how it all begins. It is difficult to separate the actions from the person who is afflicted as we seek a way to deal with this kind of situation.

Understanding that we can love someone and hate what they do releases us from the grips of guilt. It frees us up to speak truthfully, acknowledging that we do love them, while allowing the person to receive and deal with the consequences of their actions. This has proven to be the real motivator; when they feel the pain themselves, they can no longer ignore the effects of their actions. Frequently this is the response that propels them to embrace a solution. When we fail to do this, we accept the consequences and the responsibility for the damage that has been wrought. It's a little like karma; you either step out of the way of someone else's or you receive and accept it. You only delay the inevitable while accepting the pain.