When Pain Is All Around - Losing Your Child

 Dead... the finality of this word is profound. Mind numbing shock accompanies gut-wrenching pain. No more chances, no second guesses, nothing at all, just gone. 'It can't be true' is all we can muster as we absorb this life altering change. Surely it can't be true. Yesterday now becomes our last normal day, there are no tomorrows for our child. Our children are the future we knew we could count on, no matter what else may change. They represent tomorrows; they're not supposed to leave before we do.

Something happens to us when our newborn child is placed in our arms; it is destiny by divine decree. We love instantly, protect instinctively and nurture lovingly. It is the highest calling of human nature, fulfilled willingly and eagerly. We love to love our child; a lifetime of promise begins as we plan and stare with wonder. They are forever a part of us, we thought. No matter the cause, when the road turns it is shocking and unnatural. Our child is our future; giving up our future is unthinkable, unbearable and unimaginably painful. Parents don't lose their children; they must be wrenched from our arms. No matter what we imagined our life to be before this loss, it will never, ever be the same again. We are instantly aware of this. Our world is filled with pain.

Family dinners and special occasions feature an empty chair that can never be filled; joy, laughter and shared memories that were once a part of sharing family photos are exchanged for a stabbing pain twisting in an open wound. We are drawn to the face of the one we have lost, 'How can they be gone,' we wonder? Why? Every holiday is a stark reminder that our child is missing. Special programs, events and even places they loved become a painful reminder that they are gone. Pain is all around. As though a dimmer switch has been applied to our life, everything looks gray and feels bleak. It is a darker place that we have entered when our life is interrupted by unbearable grief. Grief has a life of its own and somehow we cling to it, imagining it is all we have left. Many times we can't see the way out of the despair that has become a new and constant companion. We can accept that we will never get over this, but can we get through it and return to any semblance of an acceptable life?

We have to give ourselves permission to let go of the pain. It is easy to confuse holding on to the pain with holding on to our child. We instinctively return to those first and most painful moments because they were the last time of innocence in our life, the last time we were complete. We can't let go of our child, not ever; but healing means we must let go of the pain. Holding on causes more pain. It is not necessary to feel the pain to be true to our quest to never let go of our child. It is appropriate; we promised a lifetime of love and this means our lifetime. We willingly give it. It feels like all that we have left to give.

As we slowly, haltingly step out of the darkness that has permeated our life we realize the things we are drawn to and have loved the most are filled with light. The energy of love and joy is light-hearted; there is a need to move slowly back into it, permitting ourselves to feel it again. Are we betraying something if we do?

When you accept the fact that you are never going to get over this loss it is easier to move forward. You are committed to continuing the journey still connected, still loving and still holding on to your promise to always love and never forget. Healing slowly emerges from your soul; accepting that God is now sheltering your child in His arms becomes the lovingly applied balm that heals your broken heart. These arms you know are stronger, more loving and more capable than yours could ever be; these arms you can trust with your beloved child.